Why "Softness" is an Underestimated tool for Black Mothers

Nobody talks about the witch hunts against Mothers who don't subscribe to struggle hood, trauma bonding and misery.

  If the original woman embodying softness is seen as a threat, when she’s a mother it's a triple threat.  An elephant in the room I've noticed throughout my 15+ years as a mother and womb practitioner, is how uncomfortable western society still is with multidimensional women- She keeps herself looking good, does all the things  AnD ShE’s A MOtHeR-what sorcery is this?

This rings even more true for the mothers who've moved or are currently moving up the socioeconomic ladder, single handedly or with a partner.  Not all, but many working and middle class communities are still laced with the monitoring spirits of “keeping up with the Joneses”-Which breeds pocket watching, competition, envy etc.   So, when a family begins to elevate from inherited conditions, this energy usually starts revealing itself as people in close proximity attempting to project a spirit of lack.  It shows up as unsolicited comments and critiques on upgrades, unprovoked hostility, and ill wishes disguised as concern, (bad) advice, or jokes.   Then you have those who will literally try to put a woman and/or her family in harm’s way, in efforts to stop her motion.   

I observed this over the years my parents worked to move us from public housing to the suburbs.  When we eventually made the move from New York to South Jersey some of their relationships abruptly ended; while the real ones remained and the nosey ones stayed connected enough to keep tabs.  Naturally my parents being the socialites they are, made new and quite a few lasting connections. However, generational patterns tend to repeat themselves when they're not put to a complete end.  So unsurprisingly, when I got married and started a family of my own, my parents tried to drag me through the same mess.  That's a story for another day though.

Present, intentional, relaxed and soft is how I like to describe my style of mothering.  It doesn't neatly fit into one psychological-sociological category style of parenting, if any at all - It's unique to me, ancestrally guided and ever evolving- in many ways it has been what Buddhism would call my “Skillful Means”.   Upaya or skillful means is the method that spirit or the guru/monk uses to help an initiate reach wisdom and understanding- What stood out to me about skillful means is its emphasis on adaptability and customizing teachings to individual needs; even if that means utilizing unique, or unconventional methods for character development and enlightenment-Mr. Miagi would simply call it your  "Wax on, wax off".  This principle is founded on the basis of reality being multidimensional, and the journey of life non-linear.  I can attest to this-children, the ancestors, Spirit, are never short of creativity and will use any mean, medium necessary to get the message and lessons across.

What is evident to me is that this new era is ushering in reformation of society's approach to motherhood, and millennial mothers play an integral role in the transformation.  For myself, part of that reformation is putting my wellbeing first.  Skeptics say it's unrealistic for a woman to marry, mother and have personal fulfillment, especially one who starts out with or still has odds against her-While I disagree, I do understand reality is experienced differently by the unskilled eye.   Coming from the generation of women clearing unhealthy familial patterns and creating new; I feel like too much energy has been invested for there to be no purpose.  We've endured and overcome, grooming, dysfunction, binds and made the hard but necessary decisions to limit or completely revoke access from certain family members in our lives.  For many of us, the main opposition was our mother.

The hypervigilance that develops from being abused in the environment that should have kept you safe is enough to make you feel like you should be anything other than soft- but adding more softness to your disposition as a woman does not omit your power. Western culture tried to disconnect us from our divinity through polarization, yet the truth is, when you embody your femininity in fullness, there’s no need to distinguish whether you’re a “light or dark feminine”.   ALL of it is divine feminine, and it is within our power to invoke the aspects we need to get the results we want. 

When it came to motherhood, the result I wanted was the experience of having a family, but never at the cost of losing myself- as it should be in any type of relationship.   I’ve always been dynamic and I bring this energy into everything I do-my work, my play, my relationships.  So familyhood was not an exception.  This innate fire along with my challenges, motivated and guided me to develop a Venusian temperance of mind, body, soul.  Which helped me refine and maintain direction with my fire while navigating motherhood, instead of exhausting or snuffing it out-A challenge modern mothers still wrestle with.  "I'm not one to gatekeep" as the girlies say, so I'm going to share with you- four reasons why "softness" is a powerful and underestimated tool, especially for black mothers.

• Softness creates more pleasure and fulfillment:   Western Society conditioned people to believe that pleasure is something you earn through output and achievement or something you chase in leisure time.   Softness requires being in the present moment.  When you’re present, you’re fully engaged with your senses, instincts, and how you feel- as women we naturally like to feel good because we are biologically, sensually wired for it. The divine feminine principle gave us pleasure as a gift along with that, the ability to create and partake pleasure in life.  Softness showed me how to treat my happiness as something sacred; and in turn I began to ritualize my daily routines with more playfulness, pleasure and fun.   This helped me to be more honest and authentic with myself, making it easier to distinguish what people, places, opportunities aligned with me and what didn’t.  

• Softness creates a regulated nervous system:  Women physically have more sensory nerves on our bodies then men.  Part of the reason is that we birth children, and those sensory nerves connect directly to our maternal instincts to care for and protect our child.   These extra sensory nerves also connect to the Earth's magnetic field and our intuitive instincts.   This is why culturally, historically, traditionally women have always been the primary intermediaries of spirit and paranormal activity.  There are two main states of our nervous system, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. Overstimulation keeps you in the sympathetic- fight, flight, fawn but softness keeps you in the parasympathetic - rest, digest, relaxed.   When your disposition is a soft, relaxed one your intuitive instincts and level of awareness is much higher so you’re able to handle stressful moments, challenging times, with poise- and more importantly, you know how to bring yourself back to a state of homeostasis. Softness is not passive, even Queens and Goddesses have to wield their shield and sword at some point on their journey.

• Softness creates a harmonious home:  Because western society uno reversed the feminine principles to control us-the modern woman often takes offense to women being associated with domestic life,  but the home just like any other space container is essentially a microcosmic reflection of a womb.  This is why as women our mental, emotional state strongly impacts and colors the home or any environment where we lead-same way our mental, emotional state during pregnancy significantly affects the growing child.  Mama has always been the authority.  Whether you like it or not this is the natural order of things- not because women are better than men or cause “our place” is in the home (hard eye roll)- but because all life comes through us.  Even when we transition we return back through the cosmic womb. Moving in softness keeps us prioritizing ourselves.  When we are at our best, this energy permeates the family dynamics. Women are like the “influencers” of the home. We set the trends, standards, and mood- and our families are undeniably moved by us.  

• Softness gives you the upper hand in social dynamics:  I was born and raised in New York during the early 90's- where violence and force was the main form of conflict resolution in our communities and homes.  As I matured and began adulting, I realized that the real warfare was psychological, systemic and spiritual.  I learned that even though justified and in my rightful defense, my temper could and would be used against me- in many situations the provocation was purposely done to disrupt or feed off my energy.  Implementing softness as a form of self- preservation taught me restraint, which made me more adept in reading situations- I discovered how self-control and disengaging opposition through silence and stealth in most cases held more power than overt clap backs.  The individual or group playing offense could never truly step in the ring with you as an equal anyway.  That’s why they need you to engage with their narrative in order to hook you in, or as we used to say growing up "they fight dirty"-and I'm not in the business of catching fleas.  

As we navigate and untether from relationships, circumstances and structures that profit off our ancestral, cultural and self-divestment; Unconditional love, femininity and sacred self -devotion can be unassuming yet revolutionary ways to reclaim our sovereignty as original women.

Our collective unrest is not here as an enabling friend, but a transmutative force.  We can undo traumas without pausing our progression in life and nurture ourselves while maintaining safe, healthy spaces for our families to thrive. Many examples, big and small, have been left by the women of our familial and collective lineages.  They along with the Cosmic Mothers are here to remind us that quiet consistency outlasts big mouths, and power embodied trumps performance.